I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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