hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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