It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
