if i died would you start the facebook group?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
