We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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