Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
