i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
