everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
