Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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