Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
