Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So squirting runs in the family.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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