It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
do herpes really smell.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
