dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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