You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
