why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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