between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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