Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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