Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
