I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
did i just pee glitter
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Success! We fucked roommates!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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