I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
