thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
