I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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