if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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