Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
