my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
