i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
