I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
