Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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