I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
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I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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