I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
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i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
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My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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