Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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