Screwed.edu
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
