...so i touched it.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
