yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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