Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
