Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
