I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
