you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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