First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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