I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
