sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
