She just used a chaser for red wine.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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