when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize