I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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