I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
