This is not my ceiling
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Randomize
