I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
