my phone needs a breathalizer
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
