i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
