Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
