I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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