About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
if only i could text you this smell
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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