I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
