I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
