Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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