there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
