your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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