Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
