did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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