Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
