made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i think i just lost a toe
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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